That feeling, when i’m sad and depressed, it’s kind of comforting, I miss it sometimes.
One part of me wants to move on and forget about past, but the other part wants to get back to it. When I finally start to feel good again, my brain wants to go back to the moment it got bad. Why?
I often fight with myself, in my mind I want to do something I shouldn’t, but in reality I restrain myself from it. In that moment my brain goes black, I’m not thinking about the consequences , it’s like I’m fighting myself and that’s when the brake down happens.
It’s killing me inside and out, my body is shaking and thoughts are like tornado.
So how to deal with it? If my thought start with “what if” I try to ignore it. If I don’ t, I mess up, the overthinking hits, and the loop starts again…
[participant]
Soft, featherlike base under my feet.
Am I too heavy for this?
Feet sinking in, hands airing the way, I step again, and I step again, drawing circles and looking for meaning. For myself and for others. I feel the softness rising ,cotton cloud embracing me. It becomes too much. I need to see… I need to see.
She is always changing her mind.
It’s never an argument. But her mind will work though things in a way that my mind never does. Adding things up, deliberating. Pushing beyond what she sees already to things she can’t see yet. Working slowly.
I can see it’s not always easy. Always open to changing her mind.
We can take the path through the forest if you’d prefer.
I’d never walk this way alone but there is something reassuring about having someone with me to explore the place I walk past everyday and wonder when I’ll feel brave enough to venture out into the unknown.
It worries me that we’re so far from the busyness of city life; the exodus of workers from their 9-5. Alone but surrounded by a thousand strangers.
But today something feels different. Surely we’ll be okay on our own. We’re not far from home, after all.
“It’s so peaceful here isn’t it?”
You replied with equal admiration for the world around us.
Towering trees surround us and the sunlight flickers through the leaves, lighting up the path and guiding us through the green.
I often forget how much I love being outside, the freedom I feel, breathing in the cool air.
But, whilst you were watching a butterfly flutter to and fro, nowhere in particular to go,
I can’t help but notice the sun, falling fast in the sky.
I stay close to you.
“Do you see the shadows too? It’s getting dark quickly, isn’t it?”
[participant]
Go
go there
go there where
go there where you
go there where you feel
go there where you feel most
go there where you feel most alive